12.04.2003
ALT-CTRL-Delete
"My life is no different than anybody else's. I had to realize this. I had to come to grips with this. We all go through ups and downs. We all get stuck sometimes. It's what we do to get un-stuck that counts." ~Christopher David
I used to be one fucked up motherfucker. I swear, no kidding. I used to believe my problems/issues/dilemma’s or whatever you want to call the shit that used to give me headaches beyond belief were bigger and greater than anything your little mind could conjure up. I really did. I was caught up in my own little world oblivious it seems to the realities of the real world.
Talk about jaded---shit!!!!!! There was no way in the world anyone could love me, at least not the way I wanted them to love me! Simply because in order for them to love me, they had to understand all my shit—the shit that inretrospect made it almost impossible for anyone to love me. All applicants had to say the right thing; walk the right way; deal with my drama, which included bouts of self-loathing, moments of withdrawal, and bursts of anger. And if by some chance they were unable to fulfill their obligations as the potential Mrs./Mr. David, I immediately showed them the stage exit.
Shit…cause I wasn’t about to waste my time dealing with a mofo who didn’t understand me.
And then there was the fam. Love the fam. L-O-V-E the fam. But in my head, the fam didn’t love me. They didn’t understand what it felt like to be confused, lost, and mad as hell at the entire fuckin' world! From where I stood it seemed they had no fuckin’ clue what it was like to piss God off, royally! So I distanced myself from them. In other words I backed the fuck up, and let them do them, while I did me.
Then one day, like the walls of Jericho, my life caved the fuck in. What I thought made sense, all of a sudden didn’t make sense…what I thought mattered, didn’t matter. Cliché-ish, but true. During the fall of 1996 I realized I was not the man I wanted to be—more-less the one I led others to believe I was.
I was a liar. A bullshit artist. A false pretendah! I was everything I never wanted to be, and I hated it---it, and the person staring back at me in the mirror. When I realized that…when I realized who I was or rather, who I had become, I knew I had no choice but to change.
ALT-CTRL-Delete
I went cold turkey on everyone. I moved, changed my number and began the tedious task of rebooting. I had to, because my attitude had gotten too far out of control. You know that song by PINK “Don’t let me get me”? That in a nutshell was my life.
I worked hard to undo that shit…to recondition my mind, my heart, my soul. I was miserable, and didn’t even know it. Shit, I thought I was happy. I thought I was together, but wasn’t.
The reboot began in 1997. By 2000 after years of working on me and my shit I was truly ready to re-enter the world. In October of 2000 I met and fell in love with the love of my life. In 2001 I had a slight relapse, but recovered rather quickly. In 2002 I dared myself to stand up and be counted. And in 2003 I did the unthinkable: I embraced the possibility to do and be anything my little heart could dream.
My life in no way shape or form is perfect. I still have a lot of shit to deal with. But I am so glad I had the courage to take one step back...
Moving FWD>>>>>>>>
_______________________________
Christopher David will be signing copies of his debut novel, I'm On My Way this week 12.4.2003 @ 275 Grand, Bar and Cafe 7pm (275 Grand Avenue | Between Lafayette and Clifton Place | Brooklyn, New York) and 12.5.2003 @ Browstone Books 7pm (409 Lewis Avenue | Between Decatur and Macon Street | Brooklyn, New York)
I used to be one fucked up motherfucker. I swear, no kidding. I used to believe my problems/issues/dilemma’s or whatever you want to call the shit that used to give me headaches beyond belief were bigger and greater than anything your little mind could conjure up. I really did. I was caught up in my own little world oblivious it seems to the realities of the real world.Talk about jaded---shit!!!!!! There was no way in the world anyone could love me, at least not the way I wanted them to love me! Simply because in order for them to love me, they had to understand all my shit—the shit that inretrospect made it almost impossible for anyone to love me. All applicants had to say the right thing; walk the right way; deal with my drama, which included bouts of self-loathing, moments of withdrawal, and bursts of anger. And if by some chance they were unable to fulfill their obligations as the potential Mrs./Mr. David, I immediately showed them the stage exit.
Shit…cause I wasn’t about to waste my time dealing with a mofo who didn’t understand me.
And then there was the fam. Love the fam. L-O-V-E the fam. But in my head, the fam didn’t love me. They didn’t understand what it felt like to be confused, lost, and mad as hell at the entire fuckin' world! From where I stood it seemed they had no fuckin’ clue what it was like to piss God off, royally! So I distanced myself from them. In other words I backed the fuck up, and let them do them, while I did me.
Then one day, like the walls of Jericho, my life caved the fuck in. What I thought made sense, all of a sudden didn’t make sense…what I thought mattered, didn’t matter. Cliché-ish, but true. During the fall of 1996 I realized I was not the man I wanted to be—more-less the one I led others to believe I was.
I was a liar. A bullshit artist. A false pretendah! I was everything I never wanted to be, and I hated it---it, and the person staring back at me in the mirror. When I realized that…when I realized who I was or rather, who I had become, I knew I had no choice but to change.
ALT-CTRL-Delete
I went cold turkey on everyone. I moved, changed my number and began the tedious task of rebooting. I had to, because my attitude had gotten too far out of control. You know that song by PINK “Don’t let me get me”? That in a nutshell was my life.
I worked hard to undo that shit…to recondition my mind, my heart, my soul. I was miserable, and didn’t even know it. Shit, I thought I was happy. I thought I was together, but wasn’t.
The reboot began in 1997. By 2000 after years of working on me and my shit I was truly ready to re-enter the world. In October of 2000 I met and fell in love with the love of my life. In 2001 I had a slight relapse, but recovered rather quickly. In 2002 I dared myself to stand up and be counted. And in 2003 I did the unthinkable: I embraced the possibility to do and be anything my little heart could dream.
My life in no way shape or form is perfect. I still have a lot of shit to deal with. But I am so glad I had the courage to take one step back...
Moving FWD>>>>>>>>
_______________________________
Christopher David will be signing copies of his debut novel, I'm On My Way this week 12.4.2003 @ 275 Grand, Bar and Cafe 7pm (275 Grand Avenue | Between Lafayette and Clifton Place | Brooklyn, New York) and 12.5.2003 @ Browstone Books 7pm (409 Lewis Avenue | Between Decatur and Macon Street | Brooklyn, New York)
